ONE EYED GIRL - My Life With Strabismus

All That Surrounds Me

2011-08-11T17:06:00.003-04:00

Seeing 3D
I can be on the phone or doing some activity, when my brain suddently decides to see everything in 3D. I can't ever seem to replicate it, it just clicks on randomly. From my living room, my kitchen is suddenly on a downhill slope, and the dishwasher becomes stunning. The countertop is a slice of space layered upon other slices and everything has dimension. The walls, the floors, it all is wide from where I stand, and then narrows down, down to the point I am looking as if in a tunnel of space. I always go back to that famous Van Gogh painting of his little bedroom in Arles. The way the chair legs meet the floor, and the pictures on the wall seem to lean over his bed, that is what my room becomes; odd, but beautiful, everything a bit unfamiliar and out of context. I get these moments infrequently and they are usually when I am alone in my home. Maybe that is where my binocular brain feels safe to come out and explore! I am less afraid now of being whole. I used to hide behind the corners of my eyes. What a wonderful place to be when I can see in 3D - I am immersed!

Have you ever been away from your home for a period of time and then came back to see that something was different? A shelf, a closet, whatever it was. My mum used to always be changing things in our home, moving pictures and changing the mantle decorations. When I would go away to school or on vacation or whatever, I remember coming home and seeing the same thing in a completely different way... That is how it feels when my mind turns on my binocular vision...everything is the same, but completely different at the same time. Objects are resting in new ways, chairs are standing at strange angles... I have gone back to childhood books like, Alice in Wonderland and Peter Rabbit with a whole new appreciation. Peter Rabbit does a lot of things in space!

I am not sure I want to leave the place I have always been...

2011-03-04T19:06:00.006-05:00

I got a call from someone at my vision therapist's office the other day. They said that it was time for my "progress evaluation." I am looking forward to going back. Since my surgery, I think my eyes have stayed pretty straight, but for the occasional crossing. But I am afraid... I know after all the blog entries I have made expounding on the wonders of seeing in 3D, I sound a bit like a hypocrite, but this is the truth. I am actually afraid of awakening the binocular center of my brain for fear that I may not be able to shut it off and if I can't shut it off by suppressing, then I run the risk of seeing double. I have heard that you can be locked in a permanent state of diplopia or double vision. I have just started a new job that requires my full attention and I fear that embarking back into the world of vision therapy to awaken my eyes would open a can of worms. I realize I need to talk to my COVD Vision Therapist, Dr. Carl Gruning, who would know exactly what I should do. I know how weak my binocular vision is, the second image that I can call into existence if I focus is horizontally higher than the other image (indicating that is where my eye is pointing) and the second image is faint and hazy. I have heard that people who get a prosthetic body part, after years of managing without one, sometimes prefer to go without them, they have adapted. My brother worked for years as a social worker for the deaf and he used to tell me that ocular implants are often frowned upon in the deaf community because the person doesn't see the need, they have adapted. I am not deaf, and I don't need a prosetic limb, but I definitely feel having lived in a flat world all these years, some trepidation about leaving my monocular world behind completely. It is all I have known, I manage perfectly fine. I have had the chance to visit the spacious world as most people see it and it is great! But I can come home to what I know and not feel too bad that I don't get to live there permanently.

Shut Up About Your Eyes Already!

2010-09-14T19:13:00.011-04:00

So today I had a business meeting. When I sat down at the restaurant, I realized that the person I was meeting with was directly in front of me slightly to the right, which is not good in terms of my eyes looking aligned. I need people to be slightly to my left for my eyes not to look crossed (or so my surgeon told me...) I wanted to put my best foot forward, so at the risk of looking like a control freak and seeing the seat to my right was free, I said "I am going to move to this seat, as I have an issue with my eyes and this is more comfortable for me..." The woman I was meeting with was kind and said, "whatever makes you comfortable..." So my meeting went on and things felt alright, however at the end of the meeting one of the women I was meeting with started talking about her vision and how she couldn't read the dessert menu with her glasses on. I don't know what it is, but I guess I still have so much to say about my eyes, so I launched into the fact that I was stereo blind and started talking about my surgery despite the little voice inside me saying, "shut up about your eyes already!" I just kept going! They were very gracious and seemed intrigued, but I walked away realizing that I should have kept this quiet, ugh, why do I spill over onto myself sometimes? Why I thought this was an appropriate time to go on and on about my personal quest for stereo vision I don't know!

Straight Eyes, Two Door Knobs

2010-05-09T10:46:00.025-04:00

My binocular vision is still very weak. When I wake I can conjure up two door knobs on my closet door. One is very faint and elusive, it stays for a moment, drifts away and then I see one door knob again. This is my brain's ability to hold onto binocular vision. Fusion; seeing those two door knobs as one is my ultimate goal (I can suppress one door knob and get one, but my goal is the ability to merge the two). The brains ability to take two images and make them one is a magnificent process that we take for granted every day. Unfortunately (and fortunately), I am expert at suppressing, it has been the way I have kept my visual world in order my entire life. As we grow in life, we hopefully shed the traits or behaviors we no longer need. Things that used to serve us, in time can hold us back. This is my sight now; an old way of seeing. Sometimes I talk to my brain, as if it were something apart from me. I tell it to let go of the single focus, that it's safe to see with both eyes. Sometimes it feels like going down a hill too fast, I feel like I am loosing a part of myself. It is an interesting conversation to have, like talking to God. I often think that our brains and the universe are the same thing. Infinite and mysterious.

Has anyone out there had strabismus surgery or vision therapy and had it not only change their vision, but their entire life? How did it change you? Did it change you in social situations? Did it change how you feel about yourself. I would love to hear how it changed not only your way of seeing, but your way of being.

Final Exam with Eye Surgeon

2010-04-16T11:35:00.018-04:00

Yesterday I went to see Dr. Campolattaro, the surgeon who did eye surgery for my Strabismus four months ago. He said that it would take about 3 months for the eyes to 'set' and the muscles to fully heal, so here I was four months post op ready to hear how he thought my eyes had healed.

I was excited to see him, he is a wonderful surgeon and one of the nicest people I have ever met. I think my eyes look great, but I do see that one crosses in occasionally. He thought they looked great and after fully examining me, said that I have something called "Age Related Crossing," which he said meant that because my reading and close up vision is is not that strong due to age, my eyes are crossing in when I look at things within about 2 feet of my face. The moment I look at something out of this 2-3 foot space, my eyes straighten out. He said that he could do another surgery, but I would run the risk of going wall - eyed, even if he could do the surgery. He wasn't sure that I would have any decent muscles to work with given my three previous childhood surgeries, the first two for horizontal correction.

During the exam, Dr. C asked me to put on my reading glasses and sat about 2 feet in front of me. He told me that as soon as I had my reading glasses on, my eyes straightened out perfectly in that 2 foot zone. I actually noticed this too when I was home in my obsessive cataloguing of post - op photos taken on my Mac. Whenever I was wearing my glasses in the photos my eyes looked perfect.

Dr. C suggested that when I have business meetings, or out to dinner where someone is going to be sitting that distance, to wear a 1.25 pair of eye glasses and it would keep them aligned. The final takeaway from our appointment was that it was over...no more surgeries, he said he didn't want to risk anything and that they really looked great.

I did bring up Vision Therapy and Dr. C's said not to pursue it, as it would not help my crossing. We all know there is a divide between Optometry and Ophthalmology, which is unfortunate. It would be so great if the two camps could work together in the way say a Physical Therapist works to build or rehab before of after any other kind of surgery, but for now this doesn't seem to be happening. I don't want to sit here and lament on this, but just to tell my story and hope anyone with vision issues will explore all options.

PS: Walking Chester today, we walked home over a steep hill. I stopped and turned to look back down the ridge. It was breathtaking-all the layers of space going down the side of the hill made me happy to be alive. Seeing distance still fills me with joy!

The Gift that Keeps on Giving

2010-02-19T17:40:00.019-05:00

I am writing about a few friends of mine who all share vision issues. Through my Strabismus, I have come to meet many people with visual conditions and a few of them it turns out are incredible artists. Here they are:

Johnny Rozsa's book Untouched is amazing. Where else can you see Rick James poolside and Winona Ryder on a tractor? You can purchase it through Glitterati. While we met years ago in the Tompkins Square Park Dog Run, our first conversation was about our eyes. He is a wonderful photographer and one of a handful of people that make me laugh until my stomach hurts.

Katharine Weber's new book True Confections is absolutely wonderful. It is about a candy factory in crisis in New Haven, CT. I am enjoying it tremendously.

Lili Anel is a singer and songwriter who shares my condition, Strabismus. (Click on her name to hear her.) She has a beautiful voice and I love every song on her latest album. You can buy it here or on iTunes.

Enjoy!

Alcohol and Strabismus

2010-01-29T08:39:00.012-05:00

Don't Mix!

I have never been a big drinker. Maybe in college I had my fair share, but I have always been a bit of a lightweight and not terribly fond of the feeling of being tipsy.

Yesterday I was at a lunch meeting and had a glass of wine and then in the evening at dinner I had another glass of wine, which is really unusual for me. As I went to sleep last night I had a slight feeling that this was not good for my eyes. I woke and had a bit of a headache (lightweight hangover) and you guessed it, my eye is crossing!

Part of me is annoyed by this, as I am seeing I have to start living like a Mormon. I don't want to live like a Mormon, no offense to Mormons, but I want to be able to stay up late occasionally and have a drink now and then without my eyes going haywire.

This all reminds of of something. I am allergic to seafood. I can eat lobster but mollusks and most other crustaceans make me deathly ill. Linda Blair in the Exorcist comes to mind.

Occasionally people will ask me, "Oh, that is too bad, don't you MISS it, I mean I just LOVE OYSTERS..." For a moment the image of eating a juicy delicious oyster comes to mind, but then my Pavlovian response is me seeing myself violently ill.

Now I associate imbalance in my life (staying up late, drinking over one glass of any alcohol) with crossed eyes and like my allergy to seafood, I don't want to pay the consequences.

This might not always be the case. As I get better and better at learning to use my two eyes at the same time, I may not be so easily thrown into crossed/wandering eye land, but for now no more alcohol.

Heather's Unofficial Straight Eye Protocol

2010-01-27T17:43:00.021-05:00

Chester my Pug

Eyes have been aligned for 4 days in a row. For the past month I have been paying close attention to what keeps them straight.

In addition to vision therapy once a week and daily exercises at home, I have come up with a few things that I need to do.

MEDICAL DISCLAIMER: I am not a MD and none of this information is medically supported. I am just a strabismic gal trying to keep my eyes straight, see in 3D and have found these things have worked for me. Please do not embark on a salt diet or exercise program without clearance from your own MD.

Heather's Straight Eye Protocol:

Sleep! Without any disruption in sleep pattern. I need 8 hours, but I have found it essential to stick to a bedtime and wake time. I can't go to sleep at midnight if I normally retire at 10 and expect to make up for it by sleeping in... My eyes cross if I do this! Same hour to bed, same hour to wake makes my eyes not deviate!
Water! I have asked 10 people with strabismus if they have low blood pressure and every single one said yes. This has convinced me that staying hydrated with 5 glasses of water a day is essential and to get plenty of...
Sodium! My MD told me that with my blood pressure on the low side putting more salt on my food is fine. So, I do this and it makes me feel better, but please check with your own doctor before increasing your salt intake!
Exercise! Gets my blood flowing and my muscles relaxed and the movement through space in the outdoors opens up my peripheral awareness. I should note here that I have been fairly athletic all my life. Swim teams, marathons, triathlons, etc. So I do not find extreme fitness tiring, but invigorating. If you find exercise tiring, then your eyes will probably deviate. I suggest cycling as the best option. There is no impact and it gives you a terrific chance to see all around you as you move through space.

Please also note: I had extreme strabismus for my entire life. No amount of water, sleep or exercise would have straightened my eyes. I write this having just had 2 years of vision therapy with a COVD certified optometrist as well as recent adult strabismus surgery (followed by more vision therapy). If your deviation is as severe as mine was, 80-90 PD, these tips will probably not help. If on the other hand your eyes are sometimes straight or if your misalignment is not severe, then these things might work for you, as they have worked for me. I do not write this to give people a false sense of hope, but rather share what seems to be working for me.

AM Crossing, PM Straight

2010-01-20T17:52:00.032-05:00

All excited about my new water theory I woke this morning and drank my big glass of water only to look and see my left eye was crossing again. When I did my Brock String exercise, the string was crossing everywhere! I did everything I could to look at the bead closest to the wall but the darn string kept crossing. At one point I swore I was looking at the furthest bead and the string was making an X at least four inches in front of it. I could not uncross that string. Which told me of course, that this is where my eyes were focusing.

I thought a walk on the beach would help. I drank some more water, harnessed up Chester and took a long walk along the beach at low tide. Beautiful morning. I focused on the estates that dot the coast along the harbor and then shifted my gaze back to shells near my feet and then back up again towards the houses figuring that it would help to do some near and far focusing.

After that I went home to do some work, and checked to see my eyes which were still crossing. After a lunch meeting I finished up work at about 5:15 PM. I wonder why my eyes straighten in the evenings? My water theory is not holding up here! Or maybe it is...I don't know. Perhaps this eye wandering is much more random and I am trying to make sense of something that really has no pattern or cause. I have vision therapy tomorrow and I am going to ask the therapist what they think.

Question for anyone with strabismus...

2010-01-18T10:31:00.023-05:00

Do you have strabismus and have ever been told you have low(ish) blood pressure or had a dizzy spell upon standing up too quickly? I would like to hear from you. Please leave me a comment or send me an email.

Something incredible seems to be happening. I was a bit discouraged last week by my eyes deviating, so this weekend while running on the treadmill I started trying to think of all the things I did the month that my eyes were perfectly straight. I have been doing my Brock String, peripheral letter chart exercises, saccades with numbers on my wall, red/green exercises, etc. but I also tried to think of what else I was doing or not doing during that month. My optometrist told me that fever, fatigue and fear are three things that can cause wandering eyes for someone with strabismus, but I was well rested not afraid or fevered.

Suddenly it hit me. For the first month, I had a friend who kept insisting that I drink more water, so I did. At my follow up exam my surgeon told me that he wanted me to drink a lot of water to help with any nausea, so between the doctor and my water nagging friend I increased my intake of water substantially.

I have never been someone to drink a lot of water. In fact, I don't really drink any. I drink a fair amount of juice or other liquids like coffee and tea, but never been one to drink a glass of water. In fact, it kind of makes me gag, so drinking it was a chore, but drink I did, about five full glasses a day. I remember feeling actually quite good on the first day, like my body really needed it. But old habits die hard and mine are no exception. I slowly resorted back to my no water routine.

When my eyes began to cross inwards last week I thought, what is going on? How can I change this? What can I do to help them stop crossing in? HELP ME! I may be grasping at straws here, but I can only speak about my own experience with the hope that it might help someone else. I started drinking more water.

It has been three days of five glasses of water a day and I am a stunned to report that my eyes are almost straight again. Here is a photo I just took a minute ago on my Apple laptop. Could the water be helping with this? I know the Brock String is teaching me more and more every day, but could it also be the water?

I have been told I have low blood pressure (nothing serious, but my doc just told me to eat more salt) and I started thinking, could there be some correlation between low blood pressure, water intake and my eyes deviating?

After some informal research I found out that spontaneous adult strabismus can be caused by many factors including a spike in blood pressure. If a spike in blood pressure can have an effect on the alignment of one's eyes, could low blood pressure do anything? I have read that dehydration has serious consequences on the brain. Could there be some kind of connection here?

I emailed three people I know with strabismus, one in Malaysia, one in the UK, and one in Seattle to ask them if they had ever been diagnosed with low blood pressure and all three said yes! (Thank you for your responses!) POSTSCRIPT: I HAVE NOW A TOTAL OF 14 PEOPLE WITH STRABISMUS AND ALL HAVE TOLD ME THEY HAVE LOW BLOOD PRESSURE. Could this be a coincidence?

I would love to hear anyone's comments on this.

Music in the Operating Room

2010-01-15T08:36:00.020-05:00

During the adjustable suture part of my surgery I remember being in a round operating room with someone named "Nelson," who the surgeon would instruct to give me more meds every time I groaned with discomfort, which he did beautifully. I can recall almost every detail of being awake while he pulled at the fishing wire like material coming out of my eyes.

One of the things I remember clearly was the music. There was a radio in the operating room and as the surgeon tugged and knotted the wire Kings of Leon's, Use Somebody was playing in the background. The sound was coming from an area around my feet about 10 feet away closer to my right foot from a boom box on a shelf. (Funny how I remember things like this!) Despite being horrendously overplayed on the radio, I really love this song and despite the circumstances I was under it actually put me in a good mood. For a moment I felt giddy lying there.

Weeks after my surgery, I was running on the treadmill listening to this same song and never having listened that closely to the words, I stunned when I heard the first line, "I've been roaming around always lookin' down at all I see..." Here I was having had Strabismus surgery to correct my eyes and one of them was actually looking straight down! The song made me sob and had to push pause on the treadmill to catch my breath. My friend Nicole, running next to me was like, "Oh my GOD are you alright?" The memories of hearing that song again and what the words said made me incredibly emotional. I thought about the success of the surgery, how lucky I was to have it go well and it being over and how I am no longer, "lookin' down at all I see..."

Then a few days ago I heard this on NPR's Sound Check with John Schaefer, Soundtracking Surgery. The brilliant segment talked about studies that have shown music helps surgeon perform better, improving speed and accuracy. Here is also a link to an article about the same thing in NY Times. Also check out John Schaefer's blog entry, Music and Medicine, A Toxic Mix?

People were calling in to say what music they heard while undergoing surgery, how music is healing and calming-especially the harp and the violin. (I am afraid harp music would have made me feel like I had arrived in heaven, and violin probably would have irritated me.) but they said that if the music is familiar and not necessarily calming, it can also have a healing effect, even if it's Metallica. One woman who called in told of having to endure a horrible song playing as she was having a delivery with complications and it pissed her off. She didn't say anything, but years later still wished she had. I am so glad that I actually had a song that I liked.

The NPR segment then said that perhaps hospitals should ask people what they would like to have playing while they are being worked on. I started to think about this. What if the songs I picked put my surgeon in a bad mood and he didn't perform as well doing the operation? My healing Jazz might be his worst nightmare. I think in my case it worked out well, as I do remember the surgeon kind of rocking out while the song was playing (all this while holding metal instruments over my eyes, gotta love a young hip surgeon!) I think we landed on a song with both liked and it helped us both be at our best.

Esotropia / Exotropia

2010-01-14T16:06:00.021-05:00

It has been almost two months since my Strabismus surgery. While my eyes were pretty straight for several weeks they are now wandering around again. I am pretty tired right now, so perhaps I should make it a rule not to take photos when I should be taking a rest.

My left eye turns in when I look at things about 12 inches from my face and it wanders out when I look across the room. The first photo I am looking close up and the second photo I am looking far away and you can see, my right eye is fixating while the other is ditching the two eyed system.

I still feel grateful because my eyes are so much better than the way they used to look, and my vision feels more natural. The surgeon was right in saying a lot can happen in three months. But again, I am sure with work in VT I can correct this. No one said this would be an easy journey and I know I just need to keep working in Vision Therapy as hard as I can and have faith.

Trying to Find a New Way to See With my Brock String

2010-01-12T22:01:00.018-05:00

I am at a place where my eyes are much more aligned due to my recent surgery and the work I have been doing in Vision Therapy, so why can't I fuse the beads on my Brock String yet? The therapist told me to shorten the normally 4-6 foot string to just a few feet and only use one bead, which has helped eliminate a lot of the confusion and makes it easier to decipher the feedback the string gives me as to where my eyes are pointing, however I am still not able to fuse the bead. Instead, I have two beads dangling centimeters away from each other.

The two beads appear to be different shades of the same color. I tell myself that the fused bead will be a compilation of the two shades and for a split second sometimes I think it flashes and I can see it, but I can't be sure. Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me or maybe my eyes are playing tricks on my mind. This new language is a tough one to learn.

The other day I realized that when I look up at the wall slightly above where the bead is supposed to fuse, I see the strings create a perfectly balanced X and the bead becoming sort of singular (although I still have yet to see the two strings going into that one bead...I can never seem to see that. Perhaps a bigger bead, although I did try ping-pong balls last year and that was too big!)

Why did the bead appear to fuse when I looked at the wall above it? The next day I tried to get the perfect X again by looking at the magic spot on the wall, but nothing happened. I blinked to try to get it and it happened again, and I realized in that split second that it wasn't the wall I was looking at, it was the air above the bead, towards the wall. My focus was on the air, not the wall! I was looking slightly above and ahead just past the middle of the X as it goes back out.

So then I wondered, why does the bead fuse when I look in the air above it? I have come to this conclusion: Maybe what I think is pointing my eyes at something is just not so. Seeing with both eyes at the same time is so foreign to me that perhaps it only felt like I was looking in the air above the bead, when in fact it was probably in that moment that I was looking at the bead with both eyes, aligned and seeing in-stereo.

I could be wrong about all this. Perhaps there is a scientific, measurable reason for this, that by looking slightly above the bead it compensates for some small misalignment I still have and I am really seeing the Brock String fuse out of my peripheral vision, I don't know. The string is so invaluable to me, as it tells me what I could never know, where my eyes are actually pointing.

In the end, this has taught me that I don't really know what using two eyes feels like. This is a great revelation to me. Perhaps the route to stereo vision will feel strange, like I am looking elsewhere, I think now that I know this, I will better be able to create a map towards it.

Tree Trimming in Vision Therapy

2009-12-23T20:36:00.009-05:00

Today I worked with red green glasses to help me learn not to suppress. The exercise involved picking up tiny circles and putting them on a Christmas tree. The tree was green and the circles (or ornaments) were red. I did pretty well. My eyes are aligned from the surgery, but my brain is only beginning to learn how to use them together. I absolutely love vision therapy now. Not that I didn't love it before, but it was often frustrating due to the severity of my Strabismus. It was very difficult to do many of the exercises. Now, I see tremendous progress and I have only had about three sessions since my operation. There would be no way I could do this exercise prior to my surgery. Slowly over time I will get into fusion exercises. I can't wait!!!

Intermittent Esotropia

2009-12-22T08:20:00.018-05:00

Cross Eyed Mayan Sun God Kinich Ahau.

Woke up at 4:30 this morning and took a spin class at 5:45. This is what my eyes look like when I am tired. My left one crosses in a bit, but I already knew this would be the case when I met with my surgeon Dr. Brian Campolattaro. He told me that I might need two surgeries because of my Intermittent Esotropia, however, I am pretty confident I can correct this in Vision Therapy. I have always been someone who needs a lot of sleep, so I just have to make sure I get it.

My surgeon told me that Vision Therapy is more successful on patients with either Esotropia or Exotropia. I will have to ask my Vision Therapist about this, but it sounds like it makes sense. When I asked Dr. Campolattaro why is it easier for Eso's and Exo's, he said it was because it is a more natural thing to converge and diverge your eyes, but trying to correct a vertical misalignment with therapy is more difficult because it is not a natural thing to try to bring one eye down and one eye up.

For some reason when my eyes are tired I think of Karen Black in one of my favorite movies, Burnt Offerings. She always had an intriguing thing going on with her eyes, so that is the way I am going to look at my temporary crossing, like it is interesting. I am just so happy that my eyes are actually on the same plane and almost the same size, that a little crossing doesn't bother me that much.

I just recently read that in Mayan civilizations they looked at crossed eyes as something beautiful. To achieve this they would dangle a small wax bead in front of their babies eyes to make them cross in. To think, in that civilization I would have been a baby goddess!

Eye Make-Up Rituals

2009-12-19T09:41:00.037-05:00

Side angle face pose with eye make-up tricks!

The other day a friend asked me if I ever wore eye make-up. As visions of blue mascara danced in my head I said, "Yea, oh definitely, I like eye make-up." Even though these days I rarely wear any, our conversation got me thinking about my ritual.

For years as a teenager I would scour beauty magazines carefully studying the articles about eye make-up. For Larger More Expressive Eyes Follow These Five Easy Tips! I memorized all the things they said would make eyes appear larger and over the years methodically took each step when preparing for a party, job interview, dates or special events, like my wedding.

Since I had what appeared to be two different eye shapes and sizes due to my Strabismus, I learned all the tips to counteract each flaw. To open my droppy eye I first curled the lashes with a scissor like curler, then applied a special mascara with some kind of revolutionary "tube" technology, encasing each lash with a coat of God knows what. Then I took a lighter shadow and dotted the larger eyelid to make it look more droopy, so it would match my droopy eye better. Since my brows were also very misaligned, I plucked and combed each brow to balance them out. I also put liner on the inner lower rim of the bigger eye to make it appear more almond shaped. The tips and tricks went on and on and I clung to them over the years with the hope that it would be more difficult to notice my floor gazing eye.

Looking at my face now, I realize I can let all of this go, no more eye make-up rituals or looking in the mirror and thinking, well I look great, but my eyes do not. No more head tilts or hiding one side of my face. Don't get me wrong, I was resolved with the way I looked, but some part of me always wished my eyes were straight. Thinking back I guess it was because I had to be. What were my choices? These were my eyes and I could hate them or just carry on with them. I carried on and never let them stop me or hold me back.

I don't regret a moment of having to live the first half of my life with eyes pointing in different directions and never having depth perception...not a moment. All of this is just a bonus for me. Sure there were painful moments, but I got through them and never having had depth perception, I lived blissfully unaware that I was missing anything.

My husband Sean loved my eyes before surgery and he loves them now that they are straight. He has been my safe harbor through all of this, sitting patiently and listening every time I had a breakthrough in Vision Therapy, sneaking into the recovery room after my surgery to say hello and hold my hand, and despite the fact that I ask him every morning since my surgery if my eyes are still straight, he still studies them and then says yes as if I had never asked him before.

Learning to Be Comfortable in My New World

2009-12-18T18:56:00.020-05:00

I know this looks a bit familiar, but it is NOT the same photo I took over a week ago. I took it this evening. Here are my eyes. I still can't believe it. Even when I look at the photo, I can't own the fact that these are my eyes. I still have some bloodshot, but it should go away in a couple of weeks. The muscles surrounding one eye are still stronger (see the brow is higher), but I am very confident I can change this in vision therapy where I am learning to awaken my right eye.

I have come to see that having straight eyes is a two-fold gift. Not only am I seeing the world as I have never seen it in all its beauty, I am also cosmetically a different looking person. So everything is different from inside and out. People are treating me differently. They seem more engaged and look me in the eyes. I notice how they hold their gaze on me longer (which actually makes me feel a bit vulnerable.) I realize now people really look at each other when speaking, like their eyes are searching into mine, which I don't remember ever experiencing. Now, casual conversations at the grocery store or on the street seem oddly intimate to me.

While my eyes are aligned, I am only beginning to learn to feel whole. When I speak to people I still feel like half a face. It is hard to explain, but I feel like I haven't fully integrated this new two-eyed system into my body yet and I am not used to taking it out into the world. I am seeing everything in 3D and also learning to feel myself as a 3D person. I guess seeing myself in 1D for so long, as a flat face in the mirror, I now feel strange speaking to people out of my whole face. It is like I want to snap to the side and peer out of one eye again, like a animal hiding behind a rock, but I fight against this impulse.

One question:

Can you look at the photo and tell me which eye I am using and which eye I am suppressing? I am curious to know if people can tell which eye is doing the seeing and which is doing the looking. (Seeing I define as seeing something and looking I define as just aware of things!)

Nothing is Flat Anymore

2009-12-09T16:45:00.015-05:00

I am amazed more and more every day by what I am seeing and experiencing now that my eyes are aligned. Whether I am walking or sitting or driving, everything appears and feels like it is on an incline. For two weeks I have had the physical sensation of leaning backwards. One night I felt it so strongly I asked Sean, "honey, is the couch tilting back?" It is an effort to remain upright especially when speaking to people (I need to learn how to reposition my head) and even when I give in to the pulling and lean back I still have the feeling of falling. Visually it is like I am viewing things as if I have changed my height or something. It is sort of like seeing the world from a shorter person's perspective. Not only do I SEE 3D now, but I also seem to be FEELING it.

When I drive, the car seat feels as though it tilts back like the air has been let out of the back tires. I feel this in my body. Roads I have travelled since my childhood and would swear to my recollection were flat are suddenly appearing as hills-slight grades are everywhere. I thought I lived in a flat part of the world, but now it see it is not. I said to Sean as we were driving the other day, "Oh my gosh, nothing is flat anymore, look even that parking lot is slanting!"

I really enjoy driving. I brought my video camera to Vision Therapy the other day and made these videos along the way. *See below. For the first time in my life I can see the road moving beneath me and the signs and trees passing by, everything is expansive. The jittery movement you see in the video is how I see (which I think is why I get nauseous after being in the car) and with each turn in the car all the scenery slides to one side. Movement through space is thrilling, who knew driving could be such fun?

When Sean saw that I had taken these videos he laughed his head off. I kept asking him what was so funny, but he just kept laughing. He is amused by a lot of my flat world vs 3D world translations. These days I feel as though I am on a different planet and like any good tourist I have my video camera ready to see all the new sights.

Interestingly, Sean started to feel dizzy when watching these. Welcome to my world.

WHO IS THIS?

2009-12-01T21:28:00.010-05:00

I feel like I am turning into the vainest person. Yes, another photo of me! I am 43 years old and have never had straight eyes. I just can't get over the fact that these are mine so I keep taking photos because it amazes me. They almost feel like they don't belong to me.

As you can see, I still have a bit of bloodshot in my left eye (right in photo). Tomorrow night will be 14 days since I had my strabismus surgery. I am overjoyed. I promise I will stop taking eye photos some time next year :-)

Day 12 Post Op

2009-11-30T15:20:00.033-05:00

It has been 12 days. I am incredibly happy with my vision and my eyes. I still can't believe my eyes are almost perfectly aligned, so I keep taking photos with my MAC to remind (convince, assure, prove.) myself that they are indeed straight. Inside me still lives a crooked eyed woman and I am trying to get to know this new person.

I know I am still suppressing (not using) one eye. When I use my left eye my right eye drifts up and crosses in, but NOTHING like it used to. As for my left eye, it is almost perfectly aligned. When fixating on things right in front of my face, it crosses in a bit. The heavy lid makes the eye look a bit droopy, but apart from that, it is level with the other eye. I used to have eye brows that were on different levels, now they are even. A friend of mine asked me what the surgeon did with the bone surrounding my eye to make my face even. I told her that nothing had been done but changing the alignment of the eyes by pulling the muscles. She couldn't believe that rotating the eye made my sockets parallel. My eyes used to look asymmetrical, now they are even with each other.

The crossing could be due to the fact that the lens in the center of the computer screen and requires me to look inward, whatever the case, I am confident that I can learn to correct this in Vision Therapy. I can't wait to get back to therapy! I have been doing the Brock String Exercise every day now. I allowed myself time to recover for a week. The string exercise helps to 'turn on' my left eye and after doing it, I notice that my eyes seem to work as a team for a few moments. It gives me feedback as to where my eyes are looking which is helpful to learn the 'feeling' that I have when they are aligned, I can then try to coordinate them by recalling the feeling.

I am very happy with the results in so many ways. Something in my brain really likes my eyes being level. I keep getting this tingly happy feeling in my head all day long. Yesterday I was washing a pot. I got lost in the way the sponge rolled over the sides and the path the suds took rolling down the outer edges. This has been happening a lot, ordinary moments made captivating by seeing them in-stereo.

Before and After

2009-11-27T13:10:00.015-05:00

Photo aken six days after my surgery. Very straight, very happy. What a relief this is!

Post Op Vision Updates - Car Rides and Being Visible

2009-11-27T10:13:00.010-05:00

There is a 'fun house' quality to my entire visual field. It is very difficult to describe, but everything all at once seems distorted. Imagine looking through a drop of water. It would be clear, but everything would be slightly misshapen, sort of like a fun house mirror. Areas of things look more stretched out and other areas look more compressed. If a composer were to put music to accompany the way I now see things, it would be like a bouncy underwater echoy cacophony! I think of whales talking. Try this link and get an idea (add to this a synthesized sound and you have the sound track in my head!) For some strange reason, I am finding this sound very comforting. I realize this sounds a bit nutty ("A bit nutty?" you say) but this is what I am experiencing.

I was taking a bath the other eve and the doorway of the bathroom was completely tilted. I then noticed the mirrors along the opposite wall were leaning towards me. I asked my husband if he could put his head down near where mine was and tell me if the doorway looked crooked! He did, but didn't really see it. The other eve the dresser at the foot of our bed looked like someone chopped the legs off one side. It was slanted.

Being a passenger in a car is a completely different experience. It is though I am floating along and I feel the car travel through space. Within the car I feel myself hovering in a strange way. It is complete visual overload but absolutely fun! Unfortunately within about 20 minutes I am dizzy and sick with nausea and feel like everything is spinning.

I am still trying to get used to how to hold my head. I am only now beginning to realize how I used to tilt my head-especially when speaking to people. It is now a constant habit that while served a purpose when my eyes were looking in different directions, now only makes me dizzy. I am keeping my hand on the left side of my head to remind me to stop TILTING!

And here is something incredible. Yesterday at my family's Thanksgiving gathering, everyone was sitting in various chairs around the room. All the way across the room was my eight year old niece sitting on an ottoman playing with my brother's Spinone Puppy. There were other family members sitting near her and in front of her in a cluster. In the sea of faces, I was looking at her. She looked up at me from across the room and said something. I paused for a moment and wondered if she was speaking directly to me. I wondered how she could tell I was looking at her. I then thought that I would speak back to her to see if she was actually speaking to me, so I did and to my amazement she responded. I could not believe she actually knew I was looking at her. It will be the first time in my life that I looked across a room with several faces close to each other and the person I was looking at knew exactly where I was looking! I have never felt so visible. I realized I have lived my life having to gesture with my hands, or say some one's name directly to get them to know that I was trying to speak to them. This was so small and subtle. Now, just a glance in some one's direction all the way across a room and I am seen. AMAZING.

I have so many other things to report. Things are happening so quickly that I can't keep up. Scribblings on paper "lamppost slanted," "dog looks small," "grocery store less confusing than it used to be," "I see on both sides of me..." all over my house.

Day Seven Post Op

2009-11-25T11:30:00.011-05:00

Since I can't really write on the computer for very long yet I am doing video entries instead. Time to say good-bye to my prisms! I don't need them anymore. You will see from the video that one of my lids is creased while the other is smooth. It is common for someone who has has Strabismus for so many years and has had a head tilt to have one eye that is smaller and weaker. The surgeon said that this can be corrected with plastic surgery, if I desire. I suspect that through Vision Therapy the eye lid will get stronger and lift up on its own.

I am very happy with the results of my eyes. My surgeon, Dr. Brian Campolattar o MD did an excellent job. Also my experience at Manhattan's Eye Ear Infirmary on 14th Street was outstanding.

The next phase is crucial and that will be learning how to use both eyes now that they are aligned. I will be going back to Dr. Carl Gruning to start my vision therapy again which I am very excited about. I know without Vision Therapy my brain will possibly misalign my eyes. I have become very comfortable using only one eye or the other for a over three decades, if it can ditch the two eye system I know my brain will try! So, just as soon as I am healed, I will begin the therapy. Imagine having knee surgery and then never going for physical therapy? It would be insane. Well, what is the difference with eye muscle surgery?

Before

2009-11-25T10:37:00.002-05:00

Video taken day of surgery.

Day One Post Op

2009-11-22T10:24:00.005-05:00

Good-bye to My Eyes

2009-11-10T19:42:00.005-05:00

I am changing it up a bit. I wanted to share a video I just shot about my Strabismus and upcoming surgery.

Time for Surgery

2009-11-05T14:43:00.023-05:00

I have been doing vision therapy for about 14 months with Dr. Carl Gruning. When we first met he said that I would probably need surgery, but thought some therapy might give me a better sense how to use and direct my eyes.

About 3 months ago I began to get double vision. First it started with television at night. One evening, there was another television in my dark bedroom. While I was a bit creeped out by this, I knew from all the therapy I had been doing that this meant that BOTH my eyes were working simutaneously. It gave me hope that I would be able to learn how to fuse the images together into a spectacular 3D world! After the TV, other things began to double up; people's heads, pictures on walls.

I brought this information to my next vision therapy evaluation. Dr. Gruning said, "If you are ready Heather and you feel you want to do this, I think it is time to see the surgeon..." I was a bit disappointed. I guess wanted him to say something more like, "Heather, you are now healed!" But throughout the 14 months of vision therapy, I always knew that surgery might be a road I would have to consider given the extent of my misalignment.

I had the surgeon's phone number on a tattered business card in my wallet, carried around with me for a year and a half since Dr. Gruning initially gave it to me. Over the months I took it out a couple of times to look at it, Google the surgeon's name or whatever, but I always ended up tucking it back in my wallet.

After my visit with Dr. Gruning I put off seeing the surgeon for a few weeks and the weeks turned into months. I wondered what I was supposed to do next. I thought of all the options; I could just return to my one eyed seeing (intermittent suppression), and stop doing the exercises, stop wearing my prism glasses and say good-bye to the magical 3D world I visited while wearing my prism glasses. Or I could go to this doctor and see if I was a candidate for surgery. I didn't know what I was going to do. I started to understand that more vision therapy would have probably meant more double vision, which was not a great option.

I decided to go and hear what a surgeon might say. I had reached the point where I felt completely ready to hear any answer. If the doctor said, "I am sorry, there is nothing I can do for you..." I can sincerely say, I would be fine with that and was prepared that this might be the case, as my first two surgeries left me with extensive scar tissue. Perhaps there is too much damage, or I am too old.

Two weeks ago I went into Manhattan and met with the eye surgeon. After a very long wait surrounded by cross eyed children throwing saltines in my hair, and an evaluation by one of the surgeon's associates, I finally met with the man who's number I had carried around for so long. I walked into his office and the first thing he said was, "I got two years on you..."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"I am two years older than you..." he said.

This gave me a laugh and I liked the fact that he was young. After a few questions, he looked at my eyes and with a look of kindness he said,

"Heather, you don't need to be walking around with this, I can fix your eyes."

A heavy feeling was lifted from me when I heard these words and tears came rolling down my face. As our visit went on and we discussed my condition, the risks, the benefits, and what to expect. I realized that not only was this an amazing surgeon, but also a pretty cool guy. He told me about doing pro bono work on adult strabismus patients in the Dominican Republic and told me that he loved what he did for a living.

I don't really know how to explain this, but as we spoke I felt as if I knew him already. I was instantly comfortable in his presence. It was as if he was waiting for me to walk into his office that day. It was a very weird feeling, but also comforting, certainly not a feeling I ever had with any of the other eye surgeons I have met.

I asked him,"If one of the top surgeons, Dr. Philip Knapp couldn't fix my eyes, what makes you think you can?"

"Heather, I have one thing that Dr. Knapp didn't have..."

"Really, what is that?"

"Technology."

He went on to explain that almost everything was different with the procedure-from the anesthesia to the actual surgery, it would be very different from what I experienced as a child. When I questioned him further about the technology aspect, he said that a few hours after my surgery when I woke up there would be strings left hanging out of my eyes and he would pull the strings and continue to align my eyes after I was awake! Gross as it sounded, I was amazed that they could do this.

I booked my surgery for the 18th of this month at a prominent hospital in NYC. I have not slept very well for days. First I was excited, then the fear began to sink in. "Your face will be completely different..." I remember the surgeon saying and now it echos in my head as I toss in bed. I am changing not only the way I look, but also I will have to learn to use my eyes all over again.

I called Dr. Gruning to thank him for referring me to this surgeon and told him that I am booked for surgery. I heard in his voice that he was excited for me. He knows how long this road has been. Before we ended our conversation he said that I would start up vision therapy again after I healed.

Today while walking in the woods, my brother Peter spontaneously picked up a pile of leaves held them to his nose he said, "Everything is different now, but hundreds of years ago people still smelled this," while taking a big sniff of the dried leaves falling from his hands. It made us all laugh. It must run in my family, this thinking back to other times. I think about my Strabismus in this way sometimes. Would I have been an outcast hundreds of years ago because of it? Probably.

I remember seeing a movie called Precious Bane where the woman had a hare lip and was outcast from her small village in England. It starred the brilliant actress JanetMcTeer, who I also saw in Ibsen's Doll's House at the Belasco Theater many years ago. You can see a clip from the movie here. I highly recommend it! Why am I thinking of this movie? Thoughts are careening around my head these days. Prue, the character in the film was outcast because it was thought that she was cursed by the devil. Would my strabismus have brought me the same fate in 18th century England? Perhaps I would have been stoned to death for being a cross-eyed witch.

Here I am, 43 years old having lived long enough to go through one era of medicine and now about to experience a new advanced, miraculous version. It is quite amazing. I would guess it would be like someone living with a prosthetic limb and then getting older and suddenly getting to experience a new advanced limb. Thoughts like these are running through my head, all colliding and advancing. What does it mean to change the face you have known for so long? I will soon find out. What my parents wanted so dearly for me as a child, I soon may be able to capture...straight eyes.

Last night, I dreamt that I was slowly falling asleep after being injected by the anesthesia and a fell deeper and deeper and deeper until I was gone. Poof. The night before I dreamt I awoke in the middle of the surgery while the surgeon was cutting and tugging at my eye muscles. I am very stressed out, but also peaceful, knowing, absolutely knowing that this is the right path.

Fantastic 3D Image!

2009-10-07T18:47:00.012-04:00

I just found an amazing 3D image.

For those of you like me who have Strabismus you'll find this fun watch and see what seeing in 3D must look like. If however you already have stereo-vision, but curious what seeing monocularly would be like, then imagine comparing this image with one that does not move, which would make it FLAT! Check it out here and let me know what you think. I do not see the world this way, the way I see is more like it looking at a photo; things are not in 'succession' like they are in this clip, but more lined up along a flat plane. Imagine seeing the world like this for the first time! Well, that is what I am learning to do and it is a lot like being an alien and visiting a new planet! Do you see how the tree is in front of the bridge? Imagine knowing that the tree was in front of the bridge intellectually (as you would in a photograph) but never actually seeing it in front of the bridge!

Sue Barry's Blog in Psychology Today

2009-10-06T20:14:00.007-04:00

Quick post!

Check out Sue Barry's Blog Eyes on the Brain in Psychology Today.

I am excited to report that Sue mentions the experience I had the first time I 'felt' my eyes being used at the same time when I fused two images together. You can read it here.

Sue was the reason I started Vision Therapy in the first place and without her it is likely that learning to see in 3D would never have happened to me!

More Coffee Babe?

2009-10-06T10:21:00.032-04:00

This past Sunday my husband Sean and I went to the gym and did a double spin class. As we drove home we were starving, so we stopped at a local diner.

"I'll have French toast and a side of scrambled eggs," I said to the waitress who came to take our order. As she lifted the laminated menus she replied, "Oh honey, that's on the specials menu," pointing to the list.

"Oh," I said, "I didn't see it."

Just before she turned, steaming pot of coffee in her hand, she said,

"Oh, that's alright hun, my niece has that same lazy eye."

Half stunned I said, "Oh, really?"

"Yea, it runs in my family and she don't see so well either...I noticed right when you sat down that you got that lazy eye too..."

I just smiled and said, "Yea, I got it."

When she walked away, my husband and I looked across the formica table at each other. We sat there quietly for a few seconds. I decided not to mention it, but then changed my mind. "Did she really just say that...?" I asked him, to which he nodded yes. Then we both started to laugh.

Most people, like our waitress, still think Strabismus is caused by weak eye muscles, but in most cases the muscles of the eyes work just fine, the problem is in the part of the brain that controls fusion. "Lazy Eye" and Strabismus are not the same condition.

Strabismus is a visual impairment where the two eyes point in different directions. Like mine, one goes up and the other looks down. The correct layman's term for Strabismus would be "crossed eye", "wall eye", or "wandering eye". In my case after three surgeries, I now have hypertropia and hypotropia with a bit of esotropia! You can see the diagram above for explanations of this.

How to Find a Vision Therapist

2009-07-17T10:40:00.009-04:00

I often get emails from people looking for a vision therapist in their area.

On the College of Optometrists in Vision Development/COVD website, there is a "Locate a Doctor" tool. You can search by zip code (see box on left side of page) or by city and/or state, you must first select a country. COVD is the certifying body for doctors in the optometric specialty called Behavioral/Developmental Rehabilitative Optometry. It is important that you like your vision therapist, as this will hopefully be a long relationship, so like any doctor, pick someone you feel comfortable with.

Good-luck and work hard!

Vision Updates

2009-07-13T09:22:00.016-04:00

Sue Barry's book Fixing My Gaze is out and it is magnificent! It is a beautifully written account of how Sue learned to see in 3D. I highly recommend it. Some of my own experiences of when I first saw in 3D are quoted in the book and I am proud to be a part of this amazing story. This book is a treasure, to those who have lived in a flat world visually or have had other vision problems, or anyone ever wondering what it is like not to see in 3D. Sue forged the path, learning to see using both of her eyes at the same time despite a doctor telling her that nothing was wrong. She has been a great inspiration to me and without her I would never have known that I could change my vision. Thank you Sue!

Back in April of this year I was interviewed by a vision therapist named Nathan Bonilla-Warford, O.D., F.A.A.O. Nathan is down in Tampa, FL and owner of Bright Eyes Family Vision Care. He has a blog which you can check out called - Bright Eyes News where you will find a lot of useful info about vision therapy.

Also in April, I received a nice note of encouragement from Dominick M. Maino, OD, MED, FAAO, FCOVD-A. His blog, Maino's Memos is full of fascinating information on vision and the brain. He is a Professor of Pediatrics/Binocular Vision at the Illinois Eye Institute/Illinois College of Optometry in Chicago and the editor of Optometry and Vision Development.

If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Paris!

2009-04-02T19:03:00.007-04:00

Just in case you were thinking this was a photo of a tourist in Nice, it is not, it's ME wearing my red/green exercise glasses.

Vision Therapy is going very well. It takes a lot of patience and the ability to pay attention to every moment. This week I had double vision. It was a exciting and strange experience.

The therapist drew a circle on a big white board and while wearing these red green glasses, with my prism glasses underneath, she told me to take two laser pointers (I had one in each hand) and try to point the two lights inside the circle. I could not do it. I was able to get one of the beams in the circle but not both...It just seemed so impossible, like my hand was not attached to anything i was doing and I could not aim it in the circle no matter how hard I tried.

Suddenly out of nowhere another circle appeared above the one she had drawn. I screamed, "HEY, THERE ARE TWO CIRCLES NOW!!!" (I scream a lot in vision therapy...) So they said, "ok, then put one light beam in each circle, which I did easily and then the therapist slowly lifted my glasses to show me that I had put both beams in ONE circle.

I do not fully understand why this happens... Why did I see two circles, and then without the glasses only see one? I have to figure this one out! So, I understand that my brain is not suppressing one of my eyes, but it is now giving me two images and I need to learn to fuse the two things. BUT HOW!?

How This All Came About - Part One

2009-01-29T20:26:00.024-05:00

I have been blogging about my recent experiences learning to see with two eyes but haven't filled in the story of how I got here, how I found myself on this path of visual awakening. For those of you who don't know, I have seen the world as flat since I was three years old.

I was standing on 14th Street in Manhattan waiting for the M-15 to take me home on June 26th, 2006. It was a warm day, there was no bus in sight, so I headed to a newsstand and scanned the covers of all the magazines. A New Yorker grabbed my eye, on the cover an article by Oliver Sacks about vision. I absolutely love Oliver Sacks, so I bought it and jumped on the bus.

Isn't life so amazing? Tracing back from extraordinary events, we see it was nothing more than a moment that started it all. For me it was a summer day standing on a dirty sidewalk waiting for a bus and deciding to look at magazines.

Dr. Sacks wrote about a woman named Dr. Sue Barry who had discovered a wonderful visual world unbeknownst to her one day while walking out of her optometrist, Dr. Theresa Ruggerio's office in Northampton, Ma.

I remember the day perfectly. I hopped off the bus, and continued reading on my couch that afternoon until my husband came home from work and found me exploding with the story I had just read.

Oh my God Sean, how was your day, but wait, wait, before you tell me, I have got to tell you about this article I just read in the New Yorker... This woman... Oh my God, I just can't believe, it... she, she, well she is like me... I had no idea there was even others out there who had no depth perception... and she GOT IT BACK! I mean, she, she actually got it back and supposedly it is totally different. It is just the most amazing thing I have EVER read.

I could barely contain myself. The opthamologist told my mum and dad when I was a child that I would not miss much, perhaps have some difficulty with depth in sports, but that was it, and here I just read about this woman who had this experience of seeing in a way that seemed incredible, magical, spectacular, unbelievable. I wasn't even sure if I believed it. I thought, how could things really look that different? I can see, and function in the world just fine. Ok, maybe I slam glasses down on tables misjudging the distance or I miss when trying to pour things, but otherwise I see just like everyone else, right?

I cried that night in the dark bedroom of our East Village apartment. I had no idea I was ever missing anything... Somewhere in the blur of my tears I decided that I was going to find out if I could see this way, I was going to find this magical visual world that Dr. Sue Barry found.

Card Games in Vision Therapy

2009-01-28T22:58:00.005-05:00

I played card games with the therapist yesterday. Crazy Eights and Bullsh%$! while I wore red/green glasses. One eye sees through a green lens and the other eye through a red lens. If you are not using both eyes, then everything will appear in either all red or all green depending on the eye you are using. For a strabismic with my lightening speed talent of switching back and forth from eye to eye I could do what I have always done, but the idea is not to switch from eye to eye, but use both eyes. Basically retraining my entire visual system as I know it.

When I say this is difficult, I am understating it. While playing the card game, the cards go blank, then flicker on and off. Imagine someone flashing a card at you so quickly that you can barely say what you saw. Was it the King of Diamonds? Queen of Hearts?

Five months ago I know I would not have been able to handle a card game with red/green glasses on, so I see the progress, but I yearn for things to be more steady and not sure if I will ever get there without surgery. Only time will tell.

I am reminded of the first time I learned about subliminal advertising where they would imbed a split second image of a dripping Coca Cola cup or whatever it was they wanted movie goers to buy. As a kid I would always close my eyes through the trailers because I didn't want some commercial worm to enter my brain. My stereo-vision is like this; flickering, flashing, subliminal. Popcorn anyone?

Magic Wand Finger

2009-01-28T07:52:00.033-05:00

Last week Dr. Gruning lent me a pair of red/green glasses and some charts with red/green letters and numbers to take home. As I was practicing in my living room, I noticed a very strange thing. When I pointed to the area that was black (areas that are black mean they are suppressed by one eye) the image would appear. I was like, what the heck is in my finger! I felt a bit like E.T. with some magical light beaming out of my index finger.

Apparently this is a very normal thing, but it is a bizarre experience when you can't see something and then just the act of pointing towards it makes it appear. I wonder why this happens. What takes place in the brain that pointing at something makes it appear? For now, I am just happy to know that E.T is coming home!

Brock String with Dog Leash

2009-01-18T13:06:00.054-05:00

BROCK'S PUG

Today on my walk with Chester, I got the idea to use his leash as a Brock String. The Brock String exercise is one of the first I learned in Vision Therapy.

Brock String Exercise

A string is tied to the wall slightly below nose level with three colored beads on it. You separate the beads to one in the middle, one about 12 inches from your nose, and one close to where the string is tied to the wall and hold the string up to the tip of your nose. Someone using both eyes will see the strings form an "X" when looking at the middle bead and a "V" shape when looking at the far bead. If you close one eye, you actually shut off one of the strings. Try it!! Here is a great link showing how to use a Brock String.

It is a great exercise that gives me instant feedback to where my eyes are pointing and has slowly taught me to 'feel' for when I get the stings in the right place, so I can memorize the feeling and try to get my muscles to remember how things felt when they were in the right place. I try to do it every morning and sometimes in the evening.

With the dog leash today, when I held the leash cord up to the bridge of my nose, sure enough, I saw two cords leading up to Chester in the shape of a V. Nice! The leash did not have a bead in the middle, so couldn't get it to form an X. I had to bend down so the leash was more parallel to the ground, (unlike the photo I took).

This is my husband trying it. Again, the string should be more parallel to the ground, but it does work!

My friend James commented that this entry reminded him of Lao-Tzo in the Tao Te Ching, where the 'space between things are as important as the things themselves...' I found this translation of the Tao Te Ching by Waley, which I really like. Thanks James!

Emptiness

We put thirty spokes together and call it a wheel;

But it is on the space where there is nothing that the usefulness of the wheel depends.

We turn clay to make a vessel;

But it is on the space where there is nothing that the usefulness of the vessel depends.

We pierce doors and windows to make a house;

And it is on these spaces where there is nothing that the usefulness of the house depends.

Therefore just as we take advantage of what is, we should recognize the usefulness of what is not.

Tree Fort for Chester

2009-01-16T09:13:00.035-05:00

Grab the dog leash it's snowing again

All excited to see the snow in the daylight yesterday, I grabbed my prism glasses, harnessed up the dog and ran out.

To my surprise, the snow looked the same as I have seen it for most of my life; a flat sheet of flakes. I didn't get that magical snowy 3D experience. In fact, nothing looked out of the ordinary.

Sometimes I see in-stereo and other times it just doesn't happen. I admit on the walk back home I was a bit deflated, but from experience I knew it would be back.

I was just about to walk inside when our dog Chester paused. He has a retractable leash and wandered off under a small floppy Hemlock tree weighed down by snow and ice. I was freezing and hoping he would hurry up.

As I walked over to him, the tree suddenly appeared to be like a giant dome (a mushroom really, but I don't want to sound too trippy) with Chester as a tiny leprechaun underneath. The top of the tree was close to me and scooping underneath was all this space. It was incredible. It looked like a neat little canopy in the shape of an umbrella. I was stopped in my tracks by all the space under the branches. The trunk was in the center and the pine needles created a roof. The tree became a house! For the first time I could see the meaning of the word 'underneath.'

Standing there relishing the magnificent sight of our dog under that droopy Hemlock, I laughed and thought, this is so bizarre, this whole vision changing thing is really is just soooo bizarre. Chester stood there looking up at me, and I know this sounds silly but it was like he led me there. Creepy pug!

Tracing Teacups

2009-01-12T18:58:00.010-05:00

Last week in Vision Therapy they had me look into the Stereoscope machine at a piece of paper with two circles on either side. One side had an object in the circle and the other was just a circle with nothing in it.

The therapist asked me to trace the object.

At first I did not really understand. So I said, "I don't see anything on this side that I am supposed to trace." They tried having me tap the area with my pencil, (tapping the area where you are supposed to see something will often make it magically appear...I have no idea why, but it does work!) but even tapping failed to make the image appear.

After a few attempts at having me trace over pictures I could not see, the therapist loaded this last sheet into the machine. In the middle was a simple drawing of a tea cup, which he asked me to trace. I did not see a teacup in the circle, only a teacup to the left. So I decided to try just copying the teacup, but as I put the pencil on the blank area the teacup suddenly appeared. I screamed, "I SEE THE TEACUP!" I didn't want to lift my pencil for fear the image would go away, so I traced it, and this is what I came up with (see the faint tracing of the teacup to the right in photo above). The tiny writing to the right of the test is where the therapist wrote that I did it successfully!

Being able to see the teacup in the area that was blank and then trace over it is a very good thing. Technically, I believe it means I fused the image of the teacup onto the image of the circle, rather than seeing just the circle and the teacup separately. YAHOO!

Where You See Red, I See Space

2009-01-05T23:39:00.066-05:00

This morning while walking the dog with my prism glasses I had an idea. As I looked at the trees and pathways, seeing all the spaces between things, I tried to figure out how to show someone with normal vision what I was seeing.

The idea was to take a photograph and draw on it to highlight where I see space. It is almost impossible to describe my new vision to someone who has had stereo-vision for their whole lives, but I thought that these photos may help.

Last night when my husband saw me on Photoshop drawing all these red lines, I am sure there was a moment when he thought, Should I call the men with the white coats? Believe me, early on in Vision Therapy there were a few times I thought of calling them myself!

In this second photo the three skinny saplings to the right pop into 3-D. The trees are in succession and not flat or piled up on top of each other.

There is the first tree and then, further beyond is tree two, and further beyond, tree three. I never really knew what "further beyond" meant until I saw with my prism glasses! The red shows where I see space.

Intellectually I know that "beyond" means something further away than something else, just like I know the definitions of many other words that describe space; beyond, above, inside, around, over, underneath, etc. The difference is, I never saw these things.

This is a pathway I walk every morning with our dog. In red are all the areas that seem to vibrate with space. There is a sense of being in a tunnel and everything else is beyond me in layers. The world seems to surround me now, as opposed to things just being flat in front of me.

The path winds along. Seeing my old way I never noticed that pathways actually lead to places. I put arrows around the trunk of the large tree to the right because I now see how trees curve on the sides! They are round! Duh, I know, but again, I never saw this.

Further beyond, are small spaces between the trees, which separate them. It is like the space is an object; it is nothing that is made into something by the things that are in it. Tree, space, tree, space, tree, and so on.

I now love pathways! Walking along them gives me a wonderful feeling that is difficult to describe. I know this all may sound strange...most people don't really get it. Before it all happened to me, I didn't get it either. Never in a million years did I imagine things looking like this.

My old vision was similar to looking at a photograph or a movie screen; flat. Things have texture now, the grooves on this tree look deeper and the bumps really pop out.

The first photo, at the very top of the entry, is a shrub called a Winged Euonymus. Other names for it are Burning Bush, or a Winged Wahoo. The first time I saw it this summer I was stunned at its aliveness. Every branch has its own space, and inside the bush is a little world unto itself, it seems to contain things, like you could crawl in and have a tea party in there. WAHOO is right!

Tiny Furniture and The Perils of Snorkeling

2009-01-03T00:34:00.051-05:00

Decorating Tips From Flatville

Vision therapy has taken me on a deliriously joyful, sometimes bizarre ride this past year. Lately, out of nowhere I will recall something that happened years ago and see it in a different light. Like an 'aha!' moment, it is as if my new vision is informing not only what I see in the present, but also things that happened in the past.

I lived in the same New York City apartment for almost 17 years, until last year when we moved to Connecticut. It was decorated with antiques given to me by my mother and other things bought or found on the streets of Alphabet City. Friends said that they felt like they were in an old Connecticut home. I had a very small couch (fit two people shoulders touching), tiny lamps, a small bed with tiny bedside tables. Even my Chinese rug was small, floating like a doormat in the center of the living room.

After about 10 years I bought some new furniture...larger furniture. Only by measuring the space did I see it would all fit, and even then I was compelled to measure, re-measure, and measure yet again. I just couldn't see where it would all fit. Unpacking some of the new things and putting them in place, I remember thinking, I wonder why I originally chose such small furniture when all this bigger stuff fits just fine...

I am learning what space is through Vision Therapy, I see now I had no idea I was seeing differently all my life until I saw differently. Looking back, it makes perfect sense that I did not perceive my apartment being able to contain larger furniture. I didn't see space, how could I judge filling it?

Objects Appear So Close They Can Scratch You!

When I was fifteen I was in the British West Indies at a sleep away camp called Antigua Adventure. My mum had inherited some money from the death of my Grandmother and she sent me to this camp with celebrity off-spring. One of the day trips they took us on was snorkeling at a coral reef. I was really looking forward to it. On the beach, I eagerly put on my mask and fins and waddled down to the water. Swimming out to the edge of the reef, I looked at all the glorious underwater colors shimmering in the noon day sun. As I tried to get closer there suddenly appeared to be no space between me and the coral. I could not swim over it because I was afraid it would cut me. All the other campers were happily swimming over the reef, I wondered why I was so anxious. "Objects Appear Closer Than They Really Are" in a diving mask, so I took a deep breath and told myself there was plenty of room and tried to swim over it again, but each time my body got close to the coral, it appeared to be too close. All I could do was swim the periphery of the reef, look across and marvel. When I finally did swim over it, I had to use my hands to feel for the depth.

For a strabismic the world is flat. A sunken, deflated, movie screen with no space between things. I have enjoyed seeing lots of beautiful things in my life. Never knowing I was missing anything, I have no regrets I have seen the world as flat for half my life.

I know that inside my brain is the ability to see depth, but it has been impaired by eyes that can't get the message through. I imagine this part of my brain unused for all these years, quietly waiting. I look forward to the next half of my life where I know I will learn to use both eyes. I already know it's what my brain wants, I just have to work to unlock it.

Something Happens When Nothing Happens

2008-12-30T19:58:00.014-05:00

"If we had a keen vision and feeling of all ordinary human life, it would be like hearing the grass grow and the squirrel's heart beat, and we should die of that roar which lies on the other side of silence"

George Eliot, Middlemarch

So, I wasn't going to write today. I thought, I really don't have anything to write about, because nothing significant happened in Vision Therapy. Then I started thinking about how I have come to realize that whether or not I am aware that something is happening, something is really happening! Even though I can't say some specific change happened today, I think about all the millions of brain cells that I call to attention each time I try to see out of both eyes, and feel pretty silly saying, Nothing really happened in Vision Therapy today.

Vision Therapy calls for a lot of work and a lot of faith. How quickly I forget that I am trying to change visual system that was set in motion over 40 years ago! I read somewhere where the mother of a highly gifted autistic child said her son's brain changes according to its own timeline and not a moment sooner, that it just happens when it happens.

I desperately want to see my vision change, but sometimes I don't, and then suddenly something will happen. This makes me realize things are moving forward, life is always changing and whether or not we can see it change does not stop it from being real, "and we should die of that roar on the other side of silence..."

Sandwiched between Jung and Party Games

2008-12-21T13:44:00.016-05:00

I took this photo between two books on my bookshelf which randomly ended up being "Party Games for Adults," and C.G. Jung's "Memories, Dreams, Reflections," Yikes!

My left eye has been crossing in when I fixate on something about 12 inches in front of my face. (It started this summer and no one is really sure why.) Bummer. After three surgeries, (two by butchers) God only knows what the muscles are doing beneath my eyes.

Good news is that the two eyes are working! Bad news is I have gone from a droopy looking eye, to a crossed eye. But this is a sign to me that things are changing, so it is fine with me. Things are changing!

People have always had a hard time knowing where I was looking, so this is won't make a difference. Although, a workman at our house the other day kept looking down at his sweatshirt as I was speaking to him because that is where my eye was pointing, and I wanted to punch him! But I am used to this, used to children saying, "Mommy, what is wrong with her eye?" Whatever. I guess if it was REALLY bad people would just be silent, ("Shhhh, don't stare honey...") so I take it as a good thing that people make comments..."Tell me Heather, what is wrong with your eye?"

Did you get stung by a bee dear?

Oh, what happened to your lid?

Are you looking at me kid or

is there something on my chin?

Dispatch from the Hallway

2008-12-19T19:15:00.031-05:00

I see something. Do I mention every moment? The manicured bush this summer that looked like a floating anvil? I never knew bushes had tops! The ordinary drain that stopped me in my tracks because I could see the street leading up to it and then the grass leading away from it? Who knew a storm drain could be so beautiful!

It has taken possession of me this new vision. Each new sighting is like visiting another planet. If I don't report what I see in stereo they pile up leaving me tossing and turning at night; the snow, the table legs, the bumper on that car, the bush, my sugar bowl, the pot on the floor, the window sill. They all collect together and I am afraid if I don't document them, I may forget, so here I am with a dispatch of another 3D sighting. My pug in the hallway!

I was at the end of the hall a moment ago. Our dog came out of the sitting room looking for me and he suddenly appeared smaller in the hall and low to the ground. (The first time this happened, it was the cutlery holder in our dishwasher.) As he walked towards the bedroom door the walls seemed to loom up on either side of him. I could see the space between us as he walked towards me. It was elastic. Layers of space in front of him and continuing on behind him. If my dog only knew how he suddenly appeared; a little spaceman floating at the end of a long tunnel.

Seeing in stereo is not only incredible visually, but there is another thing that seems to come along with the act of seeing differently and that is how I feel as I see. It is amazing. There are no words to describe it, it is pure joy. It is a long thirst that I am finally quenching...my brain seems to say, this feels good! When I see that space I think that we are not alone, there is something bigger in all that invisible glue, there has to be. It is divine. My little fat dog walking down the hall slowly towards me looking so different. It is almost like I am in a dream or in the past. I see things as they are, but in 3D they are imbued with something that is like a feeling of deja vu. I still haven't figured out why seeing in stereo does this to me.

Imagine looking at something familiar, your refrigerator, a room in your house, or some object, and suddenly it is completely different. It is the same, but not the same. Space changes everything, but it keeps it the same. You can still say, "that is my refrigerator..." but there is this other thing that is there too and it is space. It is stretchy, bouncy, gooey and electric. I can't say it is blue, or red, or rough or wet, but it is utterly alive!

Not having it all these years makes it so precious. I wonder if I will ever tire of seeing it? It was alive in my head all these years unable to come out. Welcome Mrs. Stereo, please sit down and stay awhile!

Snowy Cosmos of Vertical Alignment

2008-12-16T20:09:00.022-05:00

"One of life's most fulfilling moments occurs in the split-second when the familiar is suddenly transformed into the dazzling aura of the profoundly new."

-Edward B. Lindaman, Thinking in the Future Tense

It is snowing. I just came in from watching it fall while wearing my prism glasses. It fell all around me, like a slow motion tunnel of white puffs falling in a disturbingly divine order. Each flake had its own space surrounded by millions of other flakes falling in their own black velvet space. I could see INTO the falling layers, in front of my face, through curtains of more flakes beyond, and still more further beyond. Ahh, depth perception... And to think a multitude of doctors would say seeing with only one eye isn't missing much.

Today I worked on the viewfinder machine at Vision Therapy. They are trying to teach me to direct my eyes. With two eyes going in different directions I am now trying to direct them toward the same direction. It is a bit like being an air traffic controller with two planes in the air going different directions and having to guide them down the right air strip, but you are not sure who is flying the planes, and how to communicate with the pilots! So you just hope that something will work. I hope. And hope some more...

I am just beginning to understand how to get my eyes aligned vertically, but I am lost when it comes to trying to direct them horizontally. Actually while doing The Brock String exercise, one day the strings just jumped into alignment vertically. It was only for a second, but there it was. I felt it in my head, so I tried it again, and again the strings jumped into alignment, so I knew I was doing it. The vision therapist said that getting the eyes to align vertically is more difficult, so I guess that is a good thing. Now I just have to figure out how to get my eyes to come together horizontally. I think this may be called fusing. Right now i see two different things out of two different eyes (yea, I am not suppressing!) and I guess they want me to only see one of whatever i am looking at... UGH! I just sit there looking and looking into that machine, hoping for a miracle; hoping that it will just happen spontaneously, but nothing but a bunch of jumping images. Vision Therapy takes a lot of trust. You have to trust that things are changing even when you feel like they are not. It has definitely made me a more patient person. The brain will change according to its own timeline and there isn't a thing you can do to move it along faster, except maybe getting more sleep!

Magic Door

2008-12-12T22:40:00.014-05:00

"All emotions are pure which gather you and lift you up; that emotion is impure which seizes only one side of your being as so distorts you."

-Rainer Maria Rilke

I am sick, it is late. I have a cold and have been in bed all day with chills and a stuffed nose. Right now I have globs of Vick's Vapor Rub in my nostrils, not a pretty sight. Something happened just a few minutes ago and I have to write about it. Sick or not.

Last Tuesday I had a new therapist. He had a big smile on his face when he introduced himself and said something like, "I am going to make you work today!" He wasn't kidding.

I worked on the Stereoscope machine where I wear my prism glasses and hold two pointers as I look at a photo. The photos are always black and white and depending on the one the therapist loads into the machine, depict various scenes; a pre-global warming Mt. Kilimanjaro snuggled by layers of snow, a 1950's family having a picnic complete with Schnauzer playing in the grass. Placed on the photo are several numbers and I am supposed to take both hands and touch the two numbers.

It was something the therapist said during the last five minutes of this exercise that has had a strong impact on me days later and now I am sitting here with Sean having just cried my eyes out with excitement over what I am now able to do.

He said, "Once you get the two pointers so they appear to be on the same number, I want you to REMEMBER THAT FEELING..." Basically he was telling me that when I was able to get my eyes into alignment to stop for a second and try to recognize what it felt like to have my eyes in that position. When the two pointers are together it means my eyes are in alignment.

It is almost impossible to get them aligned, the sticks jump all over the place (the points of the sticks are where my two eyes are pointing and as my eyes jump, so too do the sticks), but if I do it long enough, I can usually get the sticks to be on the same number for a second or two. It is in this moment that the therapist wanted me to remember and now I see he couldn't have said a better thing to me to get me to understand.

I like the idea of remembering the way something feels and then trying to figure out how to get back to it by remembering the feeling. I can imagine athletes having to do this a lot. You don't remember it for the technique of doing it, you remember it from the feeling you got while doing it. Learning how to align my eyes by remembering how it 'feels' is the magic door that I have been searching for.

This afternoon I suddenly felt like I was able to lift my eye up. I don't know why it took three days or why it happened on a Friday afternoon when I was sick and not in the mood to really do anything. I wasn't doing anything in particular, I just suddenly remembered the feeling that I tried to memorize this past Tuesday in Vision Therapy, so I went to my computer, turned on my camera and took a photo of my eyes once I got the feeling again and low and behold, MY EYES LOOKED ALMOST STRAIGHT!!!! (PS: the feeling is a bit like doing a bench press with your pinky toe.)

I have never felt I had any control over my eyes. I either look out of one, or the other, but never knew I could direct them anywhere. This evening I asked Sean to look at my eyes while I tried to grasp that feeling and he said, "I see you are lifting your eye up. "

Imagine what it would feel like to have some part of your body (say an arm) lifeless for your whole life. Not connected to any muscles in your shoulder, unable to move this body part you just drag it around with you and make do. You never have any sense of this arm, it just always seems to be there along for the ride. Well, this is what this eye has been for me. My sleeping eye, dead of any feeling just sitting in my head along for the ride. Well, tonight my eye came alive. It is like suddenly I realized that I could move it. It feels like my brain and that eye have just been wired to work together for the first time in over 40 years.

Good-night

Sleep Sleep

2008-12-03T19:38:00.007-05:00

My mum always said, "you were an eight hour baby..." Apparently, as a child I needed more sleep than any of my brothers or sisters. My husband can go days on end functioning just fine on 6 hours sleep. Not me. A couple of times over the months I arrived at Vision Therapy without having had a good night's sleep and it was a disaster; many of the exercises I had the ability to do I just could NOT do. It was like the magic disappeared. Why could I see Little Bo' Peep, her sheep and her staff last week, but this week her sheep was gone...? Fatigue and Vision Therapy don't mix! So now I sleep and always remember that I am an 'eight hour baby!'

Progress Evaluation

2008-12-02T20:20:00.007-05:00

Today I had my second progress evaluation in Vision Therapy. Dr. Gruning was very pleased with what he was seeing. During the exam, I noticed how I did not switch my eyes back and forth as much as when I was first evaluated nine months ago.

I know things are changing and feel that in time I will be better able to get my brain to pull my two eyes together into alignment. I had no idea when I started Vision Therapy, what I would learn, that we really see with our brains. I never made the connection between my eyes and my brain, and now I see that they are so connected. I am not sure I will be able to get them in total alignment, but then again I had no idea I could correct my Vertical Strabismus from 80-90 P. D. (Prism Diopters) to my current 35-40 P.D.

Today I looked at the clown on the light box. Dr. Draper asked me if I saw the clown and his blocks looking like they were coming out at me. I did not. The clown has always looked the same...a flat menacing clown. Dr. Draper pulled the Mylar sheets apart and asked me if the clown became two clowns. She really had to pull the sheets far apart for me to see the two clowns. She said that based upon what they were seeing, I was able to see in 3-D peripherally, but not in the center of my field of vision. Apparently, I was surpressing one of the clowns, but not the R L letters. They thought this was really incredible. It was like my brain was selecting what it wanted to see and just blocking out the rest.

The second half of therapy I worked with the red/green rotator, which is a giant rotating circle on the wall that I have worked with many times before. If I am suppressing (shutting down) one eye, I would only see the red or green part of the big rotating disk depending on what eye I am suppressing, but for me, I see both the red, the green, but also the thing that I would see if I was suppressing, which is the black. It has taken me a long time to understand what this means, but it is a pattern that I have come to recognize in most of the red/green exercises I do. I am able to see out of both eyes now, but I can't seem to put things where they are supposed to be, so I see three things instead of two; I see the red things, the green things, but I also see the black things that I would see if I was suppressing one of my eyes.

It is similar to when I first started to notice that the ground was moving beneath me this summer. I was cycling with my husband and as soon as we started, I had to stop because I was seeing ahead, but at the same time I was seeing the road moving beneath me. It was the most bizarre feeling. It made cycling a disaster, but I was elated because I knew it meant, that eye that is normally looking down at the ground, was waking up. My mind was saying, "Ok, you really want to see out of two eyes, here goes!" Suppressing one eye is the brain's way of keeping sense of your visual world. If two eyes are looking at two different things, then your brain says, "What the heck is this, I can't look up and down at the same time!" so it picks one eye to keep things simple. I have kept this order by suppressing one eye or the other for over 40 years...

Childhood and Corrective Eye Surgeries

2008-12-01T19:55:00.012-05:00

"The journey of real discovery consists not of seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." Marcel Proust

Welcome to my blog. I am one of many people who live with a vision impairment called Strabismus. I have lived my life without the ability to see out of both of my eyes at the same time, but can use them independently. The internet is filled with definitions of Strabismus. One says it is, "a vision condition where a person can not align both eyes..."

I saw the world with both eyes for the first time this year in May of 2008 while doing Vision Therapy with Dr. Carl Gruning in Southport, CT at Eye Care Associates. With the help of bottle thick prism glasses, after months of therapy, one day the office I was standing in suddenly popped into 3-D and I could not believe my eyes! Here is my story of how I am learning to see the world in a whole new way.

I was born with straight eyes. When I was two or three my eyes crossed. Baby photos of me with crossed eyes are few. I think I may have one where I was in kindergarten, wearing my favorite dress with apples all over it and looking into the camera with my big brown eyes turned toward my nose. I never liked this photo growing up...it made me sad to see that I was unaware of how bad my eyes looked; the innocence of being a child and not knowing that I was not like other children. Years to follow I learned how to have my photo taken at an angle, so I would never have to look at a photo of myself with my eyes going in different directions. To this day, I still turn my head at an angle every time I see a camera pointing towards me, out of habit, out of shame...

I had my first surgery in Bridgeport, CT at the age of 3 or 4 to correct my eyes and it was unsuccessful-my eyes went crossed again almost immediately. My second surgery was when I was 6 or 7 at Norwalk Hospital. This second doctor left me with one eye pulled in the opposite direction ("you were wall-eyed" says my mother...), so I no longer looked at my nose, but out to the side towards my ear with one eye.

Fed up with these two local eye doctors, my parents took me to The Harkness Eye Institute where I was operated on when I was 8 or 9 by the renowned strabismic surgeon, Dr. Phillip Knapp. Thinking back, snippets of that surgery are so clear in my mind; passing by the overhead lights as my small body lay on a stretcher gliding down the halls, the black mask over my face, the awful smell of the orange scented gas filling my head as I was told to count backwards from ten and only reaching eight before I fell asleep.